For divorce professionals, this is a common challenge.
I used to try to reassure - “Things will get better over time.” Or I would ask, “What would it take to rebuild trust?”.
Often this didn’t help.
Clients didn’t feel more hopeful from my reassurance, and felt utterly defeated thinking about re-building something they believed was irrevocably broken. I did some research on trust and discovered some key descriptors for the many elements of trust. Then I had something to work with!
When I created my client preparation tools, I developed a reflection exercise - "Breaking Trust Down Into Workable Parts". Incorporating 7 components of trust, clients are invited to consider (on their own time) which parts have broken down, and which parts they hope to restore.
It invites them to reflect on elements of trust like accountability, honesty, non-judgment and boundaries. What I have learned from my clients is that most of them will identify some (at least one!) component of trust they still have with their former partner. They are invited to tick the box that says “got it”. And most are able to choose one or two components they would like to work on. They are invited to tick the box that says “hope to restore”. Then trust doesn’t end up being this all or nothing thing. Clients are able to be real about where they’re at and where they hope to get to. Because they do this exercise on their own, as part of a more comprehensive guided reflection, the pressure is off. They ponder rather than react.
Then, when they are in the mediation or collaboration room, they have reflected on a very important thing and are prepared to engage in a deeper and more responsive manner.
They don’t feel pushed.
They are more open.
This way they can have discussions to help build a practical plan for restoring the aspects they choose to work on.
I have learned a lot - and have some regret for all the years I did not have an effective tool or approach to the broken trust conversations (arguments).
